Along with much of the rest of the movie-enjoying population, I recently visited my local cinemaplex to see this summer’s big blockbuster, Jurassic World. The movie is the fourth in a series of fun, dumb, action movies predicated on the probably-entirely-accurate notion that common sense and scientific ethics can take a backseat to dinosaur-based profits and it not-so-subtly suggests that a diplodocus-sized disaster would be very much the fault of the greedy society that demanded to be entertained to death. As I can rarely watch a disaster movie without thinking about the insurance implications (particularly the cyber ones! This park is the essentially the Internet of Scary Things!) and because I am ever-helpful, I penned a bit of liability release language for anyone thinking of opening their own large-scale dinosaur tourist attraction (hint, don’t do this, it’s a bad idea).
JURASSIC WORLD LIABILITY WAIVER
Welcome to Jurassic World, the most exciting experience of your life! We’re delighted to be able to bring the majestic creatures of the past into YOUR present. And in order to protect OUR financial future and ability to allow others to taste the thrill of adventure, we’d just like to take a moment to advise you of some of the exceptionally unlikely risks you might but almost definitely won’t encounter while visiting our massive prehistoric jungle park full of dinosaurs and secure your full agreement and waiver of liability.
- I, YOUR NAME HERE, understand and accept the risks inherent in the act of attending Jurassic World, The World’s Only Dinosaur Theme Park™, and do hereby release Jurassic World™ and Masrani Global Corporation from any liability relating to my Dinosaur Adventures™ within the park, near the park, while thinking about the events I am subject to long after the fact, and in perpetuity.
- I accept responsibility for my actions at all times while in Jurassic World and fully agree that I hold harmless Jurassic et. al for all risks which may include but are not limited to cuts, bumps, scrapes, bruises, contusions, anxiety, lost items, property damage …. focus groups generally agree this is where most people stop reading and look for the place to sign. That’s right at the bottom of the page! And this is all super boilerplate, really standard language, so don’t worry at all about this. Feel free to get right to the FUN™! … concussions, broken bones, night terrors, that world-weary anguish one might feel for the future of humanity upon realizing that learning from catastrophic mistakes rarely factor in to corporate goals, accidental beheading, being devoured by an actual prehistoric animal but also a metaphor for mankind’s hubris, being bit into but remaining alive for one last pithy remark, being nudged roughly out of the way by the plant-eating dinosaurs, and mosquito bites.
- I understand that I will see species that have not graced these lands for millennia and that are legally, physically, and emotionally ill-equipped to co-exist in peace with our modern-day society, let alone as caged living beings. These dinosaurs include but are not limited to: ammosaurus, amphicoelias, amygdalodon, anchiornis, anchisaurus, apatosaurus, archaeodontosaurus, berberosaurus, bienosaurus, camptosaurus, cardiodon, ceratosaurus, diplodocus, fabrosaurus, eosinopteryx, limosaurus, phyllodon, stegosaurus, supersaurus, that one we bred to look like a corgi with wings, tyrannosaurus rex, velociraptor, brontosaurus (yes, it’s still a thing).
- You’re at a DINOSAUR zoo. Think Six Flags Over Pangaea. You’re CLEARLY in danger and, you know, that’s on you.
- While Jurassic World contains delights for all ages, I the undersigned agree to adhere to all park rules and regulations, including observing all signage, not feeding or taunting dinosaurs, keeping all arms and legs inside park vehicles at all times (even severed ones, as we have a HIGHLY trained medical staff and plenty of ice), understanding that fences are not merely decorative, recognizing that some park employees are likely to commit sudden-but-inevitable acts of betrayal to benefit themselves, and definitely not littering. We’re invested in our environment here at Jurassic World™.
- No, YOU’RE playing god.
- Certain portions of the park may become suddenly, inexplicably, and horrifically off-limits. I the undersigned am aware that terrified screams from park employees should be considered just as valid and as clear and binding as all other Jurassic World signage and branded directional aids.
- All ambiguity in this agreement shall be construed in favor of the drafter. Hey, if we’ve said it, it’s not ambiguous, right? Right, courts?
- Cyber-related events in any and all forms shall be considered the responsibility of the undersigned, since society has historically clamored for bigger and more impressive dinosaur thrills, not multi-factor authentication, and bioengineering instead of biometrics. Look at your life, look at your choices. You’ve basically uploaded yourself to a Cloud of dinosaurs.
I hereby waive, release, and discharge from responsibility any and all persons affiliated with, funding, performing secret genetic scientific research for, or employed by Jurassic World and the Masrani Global Corporation. I certify that I have read this document and fully understand its implications and sign of my own free will. I do hereby affirm my conviction to have a Great Time™ during my visit!
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Today’s Date
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Signature
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Next of Kin Emergency Contact
